With just 5 and a bit weeks to go, I can’t help but sense that you are secretly stressing about being a father for the first time. You’re not like me in the sense that you think-speak (talk as you are thinking, sans filter) but that you think alot, and only speak when it’s absolutely necessary. You don’t want to look weak with worry, and I definitely understand that, but after two years of marriage I have learned you and your tendencies.
You’ve been distant, and just wanting to be by yourself. You distract yourself with playing computer games more than usual, and lately you forget to hug me when you come home. You don’t ask what night we are reading the Bible, and we still haven’t finished the whole story of Moses. I know this is all because you are thinking so much, not because you don’t love God or I.
At first I blamed myself for being pregnant, and unable to go on adventurous hikes, long car trips, and most of all, being a 5’3″ whale complete with emotional breakdowns. But then God always gets me in the end, once my internal flash-flood of anger is over, to tell me quietly to really think about it and understand it has nothing to do with me.
Then I really watched…you started sleeping more. You started taking naps everyday, and even the second we got on the highway for a 4 hour trip to your sisters grad, you fell asleep instantly while I was driving, for two hours.
THAT was familiar to me. I remember when we were only a month into dating and you flew with me to Abbotsford, BC to spend New Years with all our friends. It was the first big stand you took against your family’s wishes in order to be with me. You and I borrowed Joe’s car to drive to the grocery store by our friends house. It was only a 5-minute drive, but when I parked in front of Save-On, you were fast asleep in the passenger seat. I looked at you with wonder, and I couldn’t even be mad. I couldn’t understand why you were so tired, but I guessed something was wrong. It was from then on, I noticed that every time you get stressed, you start sleeping more. It is your escape from the day. You don’t get angry, lash out to others, or take it out on me. Instead you slip into a peaceful and quiet place where I cannot reach you.
Instead of being selfishly angry with pregnancy hormones, I started sitting in the morning to pray for you. I realize how scary fatherhood must be because of your experiences with male parents. With an abusive biological father who left you when you were 4, and a recovered-alcoholic step-father who has adopted the silent treatment against you since you married me against his wishes…I can only imagine you want to be neither of those examples. You have always wanted to be a dad, and now that the time is coming, you are wondering if you can do it the right way. You are probably silently praying for God to help you, to be with you, and to guide you.
You will be a good dad…I know you will. You’ll love this child with all your being, and I know you will be overcome with emotion when he or she arrives. Most of all, I know how much you love the Lord…and He is with you in all things. ❤
I love you,